September 25, 2012

The jeep creeps

Text by Maan Pamaran

Image by Ton Dañas

I don't know how to drive. My old boyfriend, Stephen, attempted to teach me a couple of times, but we almost crashed into a tree. Thus, came the abrupt end of my driving lessons. Thus, I commute all over the Metro whenever I have assignments where I need to leave the house, or pick up groceries, or do my other errands.

Truth be told, commuting is more convenient and cost-effective. I don't have to worry about finding and paying for parking space, I don't have to shell out P40 to traverse the SLEX, I don't have to add gasoline to my growing list of expenses. And since I am directionally-challenged (read: I often get lost, I find it easier to ask people what jeepney/bus route I am supposed to take and where to get off instead of trying to figure out the maze that is Makati's one-way streets. Besides, walking to one loading/unloading point is currently my main form of exercise. So, yes, commuting does not bother me much, even when it rains.

Well, let's amend that to "commuting should not bother me much". What gets my goat are the creeps and pests that I have to share public transport with. If you have been on a jeep, a bus, or an MRT ride, you'd know who I'm talking about. They are the ones who do not respect personal space — actually, they are the ones who do not respect anything. Although there are fellow passengers who can make a metro ride pleasant (they smile, helpful in pointing me to the right direction, apologize when they bump into me), there are more of those who can make commuting an eye-rolling ordeal. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. The aqua-phobe. You rush out of your house to meet and appointment, hair still slightly damp from a shower, fresh clothes that smell of detergent or fabric softener. Then, you happen to sit beside him — the guy who smells like he has not taken a bath since the Cory administration. What's worse, he raises his arm to hold on to the estribo and a whiff of his sour pits can make you want to gag and hurl breakfast out the window. You hold your breath for the entire ride and pray to the high heavens that his smell does not stick to your clothes or your hair. Worse luck if it happens to be raining that day, as the bus windows are closed so there is no chance for even a whiff of fresh air.

2. The scent-sations. The opposite of the aqua-phobe, these people practically bathe in (cheap) perfume. Again, you are left hoping against hope that their particular fondness for designer-scent knockoffs does not have an effect on how you will smell at the office. One day, I would like to gather all these guys and explain how certain colognes and splashes can clash with strong scented deodorant and whatever greasy hair product they are using, and all of these are affected by body chemistry. In short — sweat and the wrong scent product will not have hot women chasing you down the street. And no amount of perfume will cover up for the fact that you have not bathed in days (see number 1). Girls can be equally guilty. I call them walking hoochies of kalachuchi.

3. The neat "freaks". You brush past them as you grab a seat, and they immediately, vigorously, and very conspicuously brush any item of their clothing that you happen to graze. They even give you the evil eye and tut-tut as they do it. Okay, we get it, you like being clean. But wait. Aren't you the same guy who threw out lanzones peels through the window a few minutes ago? What I don't get is why people want to appear so spanking clean and yet don't give a second thought to polluting the environment. When I encounter hypocrites like these, there's one thing I like to do — step on their feet really hard on my way out of the vehicle.

4. The leaner. This guy is oft present when you are commuting in the early morning or late evening. He dozes off during the ride and his head and shoulders droop towards your direction. That's okay if the guy is a cutie. But more often than not, it's either creep number 1 or number 2. Worse, the guy can also be drunk and drooling. There are those who even feign sleep just to be able to "score". This is a good time to get pushy. Use maximum force if necessary.

5. The broadcaster. Yes, sir and ma'am. We want to hear the blow by blow account of how your son or daughter in the Middle East is doing and how much the blessed child is sending you every month. We want to hear all those funny anecdotes that the OFW shares about their Arabo bosses. Oh, we, the rest of the passengers, are so proud of your kid. The problem is, you are not talking to us — You are talking to someone on your cell phone. I would like to have you know, as long as "we" are having this "conversation" that talking loudly on a cell phone has been ranked the most annoying mobile phone habit, and that in the US, a woman on a train was arrested for disorderly conduct because of it. She was nicknamed the "Choo-choo chatter".

6. The lap band. I wonder why, a woman who can afford to have her hair cellophaned and have meticulously-applied French tips on their nails will sacrifice her children's comfort by having more than one kid on her lap. These kids, in an effort to get comfortable squirm this way and that, more often than not, hitting the poor sap beside them with their shoes.

7. The perv. Yes, these are legs. I use them for walking. You have legs too. Why don't you stare at your own legs?

8. The deadma. One of the best examples of Pinoy bayanihan is the way we help each other out by passing the jeepney fare of the farthest passengers onto the outstretched driver's hand, and then pass the sukli back to the person. Of course, there are those who make no effort to help at all. Dear deadma: I am assuming that you ride a jeepney every day. So you know the role you need to play when you are seated nearest the driver. If you do not want to be bothered, do not park your butt there but move to the other side. Better yet, why not ride on the roof? That way, you are sure to be left alone.

9. The foot soldier. Of all the irritating people mentioned above, this one takes the cake. In what known universe is it okay for anyone to slip off his tsinelas in order to put your wiggling toes through the slots of the bus seat in front of him? That not only smacks of disrespect for the concept of personal space, it is downright disgusting. I remember a long provincial ride where someone did exactly that. It haunts my memory, and nauseates me until now.

Why do I still do it then? Well, aside from what I said about it being more economical (and the fact that I don't drive), it is also my little way of trying to help the planet. Mass commuting lessens the amount of toxic gases in our atmosphere. If I could do something to help kids breathe easier in the future, then I am all for it. Besides, unlike my friends who have to concentrate while driving their own cars, I get to sit back and (somehow) enjoy the ride.

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